you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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