I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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