Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize