He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
