i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
