GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
