tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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