there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
