So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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