This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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