I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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