Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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