I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
