Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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