Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
