1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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