What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
