I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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