I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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