woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
