I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
