If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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