Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
