so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
