so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
operation harelip BJ is a go
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize