I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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