Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
