I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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