last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
