Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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