She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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