sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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