We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
