My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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