This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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