You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
