Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
