Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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