Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
