hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
