I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
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