yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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