A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this boner is exhausting
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
