the condom got lost in my hair
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
