Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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