hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
