no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
