Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
