I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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