when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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