...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
