It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
