Plan B is the new Plan A
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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