I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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