I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
