I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
