I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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