how can u be prego again
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
