he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
