I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
