So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
